My laughable love life... but lessons learned.

Some things I just don’t understand... I don't get it... I'm a good girl. I waited a year for him... pretty patiently... just to get some time. Man, I'm going crazy cuz I actually like this guy.
Let me just give you some background...

I'm divorced. Very happy day for me cuz it was a relationship with no respect, no love, no trust, and absolutely no communication. It drove me crazy cuz it reminded me of my parents as I was growing up. Some things were good...we had dinner every night (and sometimes he even sat down at the table to eat it with me....), we traded backrubs, he always helped with laundry, always cleaned up when I cooked, and always helped with cleaning the house...things I bragged about daily. I appreciated those things. But some things were bad. I couldn't work overtime unless I printed my schedule so he knew thats where I was. I was not allowed to have friends. I was basically raped every time I came home...to prove I hadn't had sex while I was out, I was barely allowed to talk to my sister...which if you knew us, you'd know how mad that made us. We fought once and he got in the car and left me at the mall...knowing I had nobody who could pick me up so I had a good five mile walk home. Oh...and when I got there, I didn't have keys to get in and he had gone shopping with his mom. I was even asked to take a shower once a week so people at work wouldn't hit on me. It was a rough marriage...and I needed out, but I loved this man. I went to visit my family and my ex called me at 3am accusing me of being with men. Well, if you know much about mormons...my parents are very mormon and WOULD LITERALLY murder me had I been with a man while I was married. My sister was in my bed with me and heard everything. She told my entire family about the late night call and by the time I went home to SD I had several more of those crazy calls, and my family had me convinced I should end it. So I did. I did give it my all...well, except for the shower thing. I did everything he asked for 8 months and it was just time to let go.

So...I gave up on love. For 3 years actually. I became heartless. I'm the type of girl that prefers the hookup to the relationship. I just don't care about anything or anyone. And if there is sign of stress with someone, I'm done. Whether it was accusing me of not answering my phone or someone wanting to see me too frequently. I'm known pretty well for not having feelings and getting out quick when a guy calls me more than once a month. I've never met someone who could quite keep my interest. Met great guys... I just wasn't ready. They say a woman goes around looking for the right one, and a guy settles with the girl he is dating at the time he is ready to settle down. I believe it. I've met several of them men who just wanted me to be the mother to their kids. They wanted me to be their housewife. It wasn't for me.

Three years ago it started....I've dated 12 guys since I got divorce...and heres the report on them... 1st guy broke my heart… He was the first guy I even looked at outside my marriage. Sweet talker, sexy, and he slept with one of my best friends. 2nd guy was a thug. A gangsta ass thug. He dressed it, talked it, and walked it. He went to jail for shootin a girl who set him up and the three guys at her house that were about to kill him. He also had a second strike on him for stealin. Got outta control to the point it was obvious and he got caught with over a million dollars worth of stuff. Got locked up for 5 years. I met him playin ball and was totally into him. We had a lot in common and could kick it all the time. He taught me about the thug life...one of the best friends I had who had no problem with me being white. But then I found out the fool was married. 3rd dude was cool too. We spent quite a bit of time together and we still talk sometimes, but he got another girl pregnant while I was dating him. He wanted to be with me and begged my forgiveness...he thought I would freak out…I didn't. I just stopped talking to him for a good six months. 4th dude was a gourmet chef for celebrities in Hollywood. Always cookin for me. We watched a lot of sports, went dancing and to games...just hung out. He just had nothing to offer me. I had no interest. 5th guy was one of my best friends. He crashed on my couch all the time cuz the two of us partied like rockstars for like two years straight. He was cool but I always liked his best friend. 6th guy was a liar. You know I actually almost fell for him too. He was a terrible liar. Like to the point he actually believes his own lies even when you can provide proof he was lyin. 7th guy was obsessed. He was shorter than me and hot…but so short. He was a marine. He got stabbed and thought I would be there with him…and unfortunately, I just wasn't feeling him. 8th guy was the same. He was a semi pro football player. Made good money, spent it on me…but couldn't get past me. Obsessed. Couldn't breathe unless I was there. One of those people who had to be talking to me, checkin up on me….just crazy. Always askin where I was and who I was with. Insecure or something. 9th guy was a marine drill instructor. He had a road bike...SOOO hot. But all he could think about was talking to me about eventually becoming a swinger. I ain't a swinger. I never will be…and he couldn't respect that. So…no respect. No game. Game Over. 1oth guy was awesome, understood me, smart, and hot. He was so damn good at history. Very well educated and a great man. One problem. I never felt like we had much to converse about. Not that I have to be talking all the time…but he is so quiet and reserved. Way smarter than me....so on another level. Anyhow…he is probably one of the only ones I could still get back with cuz he is cool…but I recently found out he works with number 11… so it wouldn't be a good idea to talk to him again. 11th guy was…I don't know what. What happened was confusing. I thought we had pretty good communication going on...but I guess we didn't at all. I thought we were together and he says we weren't. For some reason I remember him asking me to be his girl, but I don't remember him asking to breakup. So…I guess that means I was bein faithful to a man who was with other girls. Go figure. Typical. So glad to know this dude was with other females...sleepin at my house. Men. 12 was a good guy. I love my time with him...we talked on the phone a lot and he actually taught me about love again. He was always telling me he loved me and I HATED it. But after he explained to me why... I started being more open about the word love and not only giving it more freely, but feeling it when I gave it. A great man...with A LOT of money... but even his money couldn't buy my love. #13...well, I'll get to that.

And you are right…I dated a lot of men...13 men, but most of them got only a few dates…and we didn't click. Not many people really catch my attention. I am too caught up in what I do. So...this is my analysis... They just don't want to grow up til they are old and nasty. My priorities are family/relationships, work and school....theirs are just getting what they need. And its the truth. They want to see how many women they can sleep with or hurt...and its messed up.

The good thing is...I've learned respect. I have learned communication. I've learned to trust. And recently I learned to love again. I have a passion for men... I love to give them backrubs and I love to cook for them. I love to make them laugh. I love watching sports with them. I love their perspective on things. I don't argue about hardly anything. I love kids. I'm smart though I pretend not to be. I don't stress. And men love those things about me...


A year ago I met my match. He is funny, he has so much respect for women, he didn't buy into my kindness and he never showed me he had feelings. I decided to really try with this guy and told him my entire past...the good, the bad, and everything in between. He took it and still let me see him...I was shocked cuz my history isn't very great. And I was very appreciative of his looking thru my past to who I am today. It made me trust and appreciate him even more. I was hooked pretty quick...about a month into it. I stopped seeing others. I stopped talking to exes. I wanted to make myself a person who deserved such a great man. The last time I walked into a club was with him...almost a year ago. I happily took myself off the market because my heart had been captured by someone. He had been hurt...by exes who lied to him...one lied to him about being pregnant with his baby, the other lied to him about their love that couldn't be. He was never treated the way he should have been. I was his girl after all that. He treated me so good at first...and his family took me in as one of them. His family is great. Our friendship was about conversations and having fun together. Suddenly, things were too much for him....whether he had feelings or just realized I wasn't the one for him, I am not sure. He is not very good at talking about how he feels. He would tell me we couldn't talk but he rarely ignored my phonecalls and seemed to welcome calls most of the time. And he called me too. For 10 months, we just talked. I saw him a few times on lunch...and took him dinner a few times. I still went with it...figured someday he would trust me. Besides, I loved that I could trust him so I always wanted to tell him everything. When you find someone who means so much to you, how can a person just let go like that? I'm a strong girl. I have been through a lot in my life... and I am just not ready to let him walk away just yet. I'll let my heart be rejected a few more times, I'll be ignored every time I call him, I'll let him yell at me for coming to see him...cuz at least I will see emotion...any emotion is good emotion, I'll go a few more sleepless nights for the man I care about because in the end...just like marriage, I will know I did everything I could to make it work. There are certain things in life I just won't fight for... in fact, I won't fight for much. And men would usually be the top of that list of things I WILL NOT FIGHT FOR. But not for this man. He is different. He is trustworthy, full of respect, understanding, and one of the best friends I ever had. I hate fighting...but I have to fight this one... cuz this man isn't just anyone. He's a FRIEND. A TRUE FRIEND.

I don't know... through all the relationship mistakes I have made, I did learn. A very good man once told me,

"I'm a firm believer in trust and respect and those two qualities (to me) are the foundation for any thing long- lasting and worth having. Everyone has their own definitions for those two qualities and they have to. As the meaning is different for everyone based on experiences, wants, and needs."

"Some seem to think that outer beauty is enough to please and pleasure. Outer is a given shell... its rarely enough to suffice for a meaningful amount of time.. Meaning outward beauty has a timer. Now inner.. its timeless. I've finally discovered the balance I need. I have to be attracted, but there has to be more. I would not like to get involved if its just for pleasure. That fades and can be mishandled... I'm a long term kind of girl and the thought of having something just for an evening of pleasure does not at all interest me. I want the establishment of a true seed even if its just a friendship. My feelings are if you need me for something personal or I need you for something personal, I would like for us to be able to call one another and be there for one another if needed. I don't want a realtionship to get in the way of that important part of a friendship. Life alone can be a calculus problem... so its good to have a partner."

"It is truely what we go through sometimes that makes us who we are to become. After a few mistakes, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts...they are given freely. And presents...whether by the giver or the acceptor... aren't promises. You begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. Don't get me wrong...I have goals, but the only thing certain about them is what I am doing today to achieve them. Tomorrow's plans can be changed in an instant. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So, you gotta plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And eventually, you learn that you really CAN endure... that you really are strong, and you really do have worth. I think that took me the most time. At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull shit. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with us at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need. Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, just a plane ride or car drive away."