Nobody is excited to spend Valentines alone. But I made the most of mine. You see, for the past year I worked really hard at finding who I am…I kind of lost that when I got married, then divorced. I always just let myself fit in where I was wanted. I think I was so numb to all the pain and betrayal I felt that I was just there…with no individuality… just existing. I found the things I enjoy again… I really love football. I knew I loved basketball and baseball…but who knew football could be so fun?!? And I love education…learning new things is something I am passionate about….as well as meeting new people who can teach me through the way they have, or are, living life. To relax.. I love watching TV. I still love to scrapbook (though I never have the time to pull that stuff out). And I absolutely love to travel. Touring new places...the architecture, the landscape, the behavior of the people... its amazing. I love to listen to music and look at pictures. And I really love to take hot baths and read. I also love to curl up on the couch or my bed and watch movies while it rains (or with no rain…but its better with rain.) I also learned the things that irritate me... Females annoy me. They are conniving and liars. I hate liars. I also hate the silent treatment. But the irritation list is quite short... I'm pretty easy going.
So... that brings me to "Veterans" day. I have been yearning for my ex husband. I have been wondering what my life would have been like had we not taken different paths. I always wondered. Its been this piece of me that I knew would have been an easy route to take, but the road would have been much rougher. Finding someone to love and who loves me isn't always easy. Its an up and down road with a lot of twists and turns. But, I'll take it. Its the decision that I need to make. So.... I spent Valentines Day, honoring the man of love by cleaning out my closet. Not literally. I have always had these things that reminded me of my life with my ex husband. Stupid little things we chose for the house, pictures of good times I wanted to remember, little knick-knacks that we got together…well, I decided to get rid of it all. Good memories aren’t bad… but the bad far outweigh the good with most of my past relationships…and the few good memories are keeping me from moving FORWARD. I have moved on…don’t get that twisted…but I haven’t moved forward. I have been stuck in this rut of self pity and depression. It felt good this weekend. I don’t have reminders that are going to keep me from moving on anymore. More importantly, I won’t look around and be depressed about the choices I have made. I made the right choices and its time to move forward in life. I think I have always side stepped it… slowly sliding to one side but always keeping one eye on what I was walking away from, wondering if I should turn and run back. But this year, I turned my back on my past. And not just with my ex-husband. I turned my back on EVERYTHING in my past. It’s a conscious movement FORWARD. It kind of feels nice.
Now I gotta think of something else to work at...
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