I know it seems pretty childish, but if I didn't talk to my mom in a really long time, I'd be okay with that. Same goes for my little brother. You know....sometimes cutting loose is the only way to go.
"I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.
I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
Time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,"
~Carrie Underwood, Starts with Goodbye
I've taken these lyrics literally in my life ever since I first heard this song. I weeded out some people that were negative in my life. Now I will tie it into my first few lines... which I realize I am only saying cuz I am irritated, not cuz I mean them...but I am gonna vent anyways. Cuz its what I do best.
You know... if it weren't for my family, I wouldn't go to Idaho. I would even rather say nieces and nephews and sisters instead because I am mad at my mom and younger brother (yes, the two people that I was closest with all my life). I am tired of the b.s. that takes place in that family. (Ha...yeah, I just realized as I re read this that I didn't even claim them as my own just now...) I am also tired of the way they pretend problems don't exist.
My brother moved in with me in April. He said he needed a fresh start. I was excited...someone to hang out with and especially having family around was awesome to me. Well, it didn't go as planned. It got to the point that I called my mom EVERY single day in frustration. I am not hard to live with. I demand respect, thats it. No drugs, no alcoholics, clean up after yourself, no late parties, etc. Just common sense stuff. We had good times too and I tried to only display that side cuz my family is so secretive about his drug problems. Well...here goes...
You know what it has been like to live with him for the last 4 months? I got to see him drink so much he passed out EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. He begs my dad to help him file bankruptcy and why didn't he pay for it himself? He had spent (a conservative estimate) $20 a day on beer. Add that up for 4 months and tell me he can't afford his own bankrutcy attorney. And my mom knew that he had been doing this. She also knew he had been smoking weed. I came home one day last month to show my apartment to someone who was interested in a room I have for rent and my place smelled like weed. Awesome. I sent my mom a picture of a note from my roommate for Adam to clean up his vomit from the patio. Another day she had to leave him a note to sweep his ashes and clean up the cigarette butts from the patio. He was bragging because he got kicked out of a bar 4 nights in a row for being too drunk. He said one of the morning he started drinking at 10am. Another time, we went dancing and he got kicked out of the club. They were about to call the cops cuz he wouldn't leave. He was thrown into the ground and had concrete burns on his face, legs, and arms from them holding him on the ground til he calmed down. He went back the next day and told the owner he wanted to crack his skull open for giving him all these burns. Who does that? I sent my mom a picture of a morning I woke up to a tipped over chair, my tablecloth half way off my table, and a bag of chips and news paper all over the floor. There was a night I had a friend over to watch a movie and Adam came home with a girl. They were both drunk and the girl was loud. My friend left and I went to bed. I could hear this chick out on the patio so I went and told them to quiet down. About an hour later, someone is trying to come in my room...it was this drunk chick. THEN about an hour after that, my brother pounds on my door and tells me that he can't get the remote control to work on the tv. Seriously, I had to work at 6am. Its like 3 in the morning and I don't give a shit if the stupid remote works or not. I was soooo mad. You know, I only told my mom about all that because I didn't know what to do with him. If I said anything to him, he freaked out and said I am not his mom so stop telling him what to do. And when I told her, she didn't want anyone else to know. She asked me not to tell anyone else. And to do this day, I only told my sisters. It finally got bad enough that I called dad and asked his opinion. He didn't have one. My sister Sherise and I talk every day, but I never wanted her to tell Trent or be more disgusted with Adam than she already is so I never told her. I didn't want anyone to feel that way. I thought the move would be good for him. And I wanted to prove to my brother Trent.... cuz of his little comment, "If Christy thinks he is so great, why doesn't he go live with her?!?" that Adam was a decent kid. And he is... but he can't seem to get it together. We fought more when he was here than we had total prior to him moving here. The total number of words spoken between him and I on the ride to and from Idaho could be easily counted on two hands. I asked if he was mad and he said no. I asked if we were going to eat when we stopped yesterday afternoon, and he said, "well, I am." Adam had to stop every hour for a 15 minute smoke break...which is funny cuz he asked mom to spend $100 on nicotine patches which obviously didn't work but she was more than willing to buy for him. Seriously, it made for the longest ride home EVER! We left a day early so we wouldn't get home so late yesterday and it was close to midnight when we got home. My morning starts at 5am...so getting up was pretty rough. Towards the end of his stay in San Diego, he made friends with a 14 yr old. He used to sit in his truck with a couple 14 yr olds and smoke weed all day. I started to turn in police reports because I didn't want 14 year olds at my house smoking weed. I actually took a picture of the kids and turned that into the cops as well. I didn't want to get Adam in trouble but I also wasn't about to get in trouble cuz some underage kids were at my house smoking.
I hate how much mom babies him. It is ridiculous. We get home and mom has Adam his tuna casserole. I laughed and said, "oh welcome home. Fish." I have hated Tuna for over 15 years... but of course she didn't remember. She just wanted to make sure Adam had Tuna Casserole when he got home "cuz its his favorite". I wonder if she knows what my favorite food is.... That didn't bother me, but it was just funny to me.
Adam totally ignored his kids all week for this stupid 17 yr old girl he is so obsessed with. I felt sorry for them. Saturday morning, mom and Kiley went to get milk in Sugar City. They left Kyson there. I was outside playing with my puppy and Adam left! I went in and Kyson was on the floor crying. I feel sorry for his kids. All he did was lay on the couch all day and text his girl while he was there. It was ridiculous. Poor kids. Thursday night I get home from having ice cream with some people and Kiley is in mom's arms crying, and Kyson is on the floor next to her crying. Where is Adam? Sitting there with his phone. I grabbed Kyson and he laid there next to me and drank his bottle and was asleep in less than 10 minutes. Why couldn't Adam pick him up? Friday night Tianna and Lisa (my cousin and aunt) were gonna go to a movie, I said to mom, "Hey, lets go with them." and her response? "well what will we do with Adam's kids?" God fuccin forbid he actually watch them himself!!!!!!!!!! When she went to the doctor/I went to the dentist, Adam asked who was watching Kiley. And then we had to rush home both days because Adam needed her to pick up Kiley. I wanted to have lunch at Texas Roadhouse and mom said we didn't have time cuz it was 3.30 and it didn't open til 4 and we needed to get home for Adam. It was annoying. Wednesday dad was taking adam to the sandhills and I asked mom to go. I said, "lets just go play in the sand with kiley and we can take the four wheeler and just ride around the bottom area. Her response? "I am too tired. I don't want to go anywhere..." so then Adam comes in and says, "mom, I need you to go get me some nicotine patches so i can stop smoking" (They already gave him $200 for an electronic cigarette to stop smoking...which didn't help) and so almost immediately mom is ready to go into town to get his patches. That is why I wonder why I went to Idaho this last time... cuz the entire trip was whatever Adam wanted. If I ever go back to Idaho, its only going to be to see the kids and I won't stay at my parents.
When you are constantly rewarded and when people feel sorry for you when you continue to mess up your own life, you just keep making the same stupid mistakes..cuz its working. Actually...I am not even going to say you are messing up your own life. His life effects others...so not only is he messing up his own life, but he is messing up my parents (they fight a lot about him and what they should do), he is messing up mine (my mom hasn't talked to me in 3 weeks...after talking every single day while he was here), he is messing up his kids (what kid needs drug addict parents)...etc. Yes, his life doesn't only effect the way he lives, but it effects a lot of people around him too. Even when my friends came to visit they could smell weed in my house. When an ex would come visit, he would always comment.... "Do you know your brother is high as a kite sitting in his pickup?" Yup....he's a stoner. Story of his life lately.
Now I am the one to blame for Adam's problems. My mom thinks I am the hardest person to live with. Why? cuz I wouldn't let 14 yr olds smoke weed with my brother in my house? Cuz I wouldn't do his dishes for him? Cuz I didn't want to see his vomit on the patio from drinking too much? Cuz I didn't like his spilt beer on my living room floor? Cuz I was embarrassed when my roommate came home to see my brother passed out and snoring every night? Yeah...I don't know why I wouldn't like these things. It is pretty bad of me to not let this stuff go on in my house, isn't it? I am also told them my family is embarrassed of me. Why? Cuz I don't live a mormon lifestyle? Nobody in California cares what I do. My friends here love me....no matter what. Thats why I don't go to church. Why would I want to follow a mormon lifestyle when they aren't accepting of everyone? Its the same reason I can't stand the Jehovah's Witness faith. They judge too much. I know I am not perfect. Nobody is. So you can sit and point your finger at me all day....but until you have perfected your faith, don't point your finger at me. Oh wait...I guess if you perfect your faith, you wouldn't be pointing a finger at all, would you?!? Oh right....hmmm... interesting. If you look past religion at my heart... you'll learn that I am just as good as anyone. Not religious because the people who taught me religion are the most un-christlike people I have ever met. Andrea Rasmussen who won't even talk to half the people I know because they aren't good enough for her and her kids....and she is going to teach me to be christlike? The same goes for 90% of the people who taught me religion but she is one person I just can't tolerate. I have met more christlike people who are not mormon than I have who are mormon. Its sad really. I know a lot of people who show characters of Christ and some of them are mormon... but most are not.
I don't get it. I never will.
So to tie it up... do I cut loose my family so they can be free of the pain I cause them and I can be free of being judged? Of course it would hurt to let go of what you love, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life, starts with goodbye.
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